Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

. . . People will never forget how you made them feel.

Uploaded: Aug 26, 2014
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou


If we change "people" to "my spouse" this important quote will be grammatically incorrect -- and completely true. My spouse will never forget how I made him feel.

This is why it is so crucial to get out of the blame game, the need to be right, or accurate, and get into the feelings that lie beneath those behaviors (e.g., hurt, fear, etc.).

I know many of you are not comfortable with feelings and would rather separate feelings and thinking. Yet the truth is there is emotion underneath nearly every conversation (reactions; what I think this means about me or us, etc.).

We can't actually "make" anyone feel something, but we sure can behave in ways (e.g., empathy) that offers the best chance that you and your beloved will feel love, connection, and care.

Try this for a week: Act, speak, and listen with the intention of connection and kindness. Leave everything else aside (just notice any other inclinations). At the end of the week, notice how you feel. How does your partner feel?

If you don't know how to do this, you are not alone. You can learn, though. You get to choose. You get to feel something about yourself, too. What'll it be?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Don't miss out on the discussion!
Sign up to be notified of new comments on this topic.

Email:

Follow this blogger (Receive an email when blogger makes a new post)

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Posting an item on Town Square is simple and requires no registration. Just complete this form and hit "submit" and your topic will appear online. Please be respectful and truthful in your postings so Town Square will continue to be a thoughtful gathering place for sharing community information and opinion. All postings are subject to our TERMS OF USE, and may be deleted if deemed inappropriate by our staff.

We prefer that you use your real name, but you may use any "member" name you wish.

Name: *

Select your neighborhood or school community: * Not sure?

Comment: *

Verification code: *
Enter the verification code exactly as shown, using capital and lowercase letters, in the multi-colored box.

*Required Fields

Grab a Bowl of Heaven soon in Mountain View
By Elena Kadvany | 0 comments | 2,704 views

Quick Check List for UC Applications
By John Raftrey and Lori McCormick | 0 comments | 1,862 views

Don't fund the rape culture at my alma mater
By Jessica T | 23 comments | 1,711 views

Palo Alto and Bay Area Election Facts and Thoughts on the Implications
By Steve Levy | 15 comments | 1,364 views

“I live near Sunset”
By Stuart Soffer | 5 comments | 637 views