|
|
|
Uploaded: Tuesday, February 19, 2013, 11:08 AM
A headmaster's parting lesson for parents
Too much focus on college preparation 'extinguishes childhood,' says head of Menlo School
|
|
by Chris Kenrick
Palo Alto Online Staff
Photo
 | An overemphasis on college preparation is "extinguishing childhood" for too many of today's kids, says Norm Colb, who is nearing completion of his second decade as head of Menlo School in Atherton.
Constant anxiety over grades and performance is a losing strategy for nurturing the self-confident, resilient, morally centered young adults who will succeed in the world, he believes.
More than anything, today's teens need "less worry and more enjoyment" from their parents -- and opportunities for autonomy, the avuncular headmaster told a major gathering of Menlo parents and alumni Saturday, Feb. 9.
Colb -- who leaves Menlo this summer after nearly 50 years in public and private education -- gently but firmly implored parents to resist the impulse to micromanage their children's lives.
Parental anxiety -- which is contagious to kids -- and "the pernicious quest for grades won't lead us to where we want to go with our children," he said.
Colb illustrated his hour-long talk with a series of New Yorker cartoons, including his favorite: a clearly distraught teenager sitting on her bed with her mother at the door saying, "Try and tell me what's bothering you -- and use your SAT words."
He outlined four well-meaning parental behaviors that he warned have the perverse effect of undermining competence and self-confidence in teens: micromanagement of kids' lives; overemphasis on grades and college admission; the "subcontracting of parenting" to others, including schools and the media; and worrying.
"When parents correct the grammar, the spelling, the punctuation, the paragraphs, the student never learns those things. They get better grades, but they don't do the learning," he said.
Cash incentives or other bribes for good grades as well as the increasing use of "study drugs" such as Adderall promote superficial, short-term learning and are "very worrisome," Colb said. Grade obsession has led to a plethora of cheating scandals at top schools such as the hypercompetitive Stuyvesant High School in New York City and Harvard University, he noted.
"When I say the pursuit of grades is a toxin, this is what I mean," he said. "It extinguishes engagement, can promote a barter economy in the family and does not promote the genuine learning I think we all want for our kids."
Pushing a child just enough so that she "gets into that next tier" of colleges also can backfire, he warned.
"So I've spent four years of high school pressing my kid to get higher and higher grades so they can go to a university where they feel below average.
"I'd much prefer a slightly less competitive college where the student ends up feeling powerful. I think kids would be much better served thinking of themselves as powerful than as marginal."
Colb said the "subcontracting of parenting" to schools is an honor for the schools, but parenting really needs to happen at home. And substituting television and other media for in-person parental attention is especially dangerous, he said.
"Kids learn their values, their sense of self, at your breakfast table," he told parents.
Colb said his personal specialty as a parent -- his kids are now adults -- was worrying, "morning and night."
"The pressure is communicated very readily to kids," he said.
"These behaviors don't launch our kids into lives of great purpose. They just don't.
"If you worry about them incessantly they'll worry about themselves. If you're calm and competent about them, you give them a gift that lasts a lifetime.
"What kids need from us is authentic, patient, loving, unloaded, unworried time."
Colb, who announced more than a year ago he would leave Menlo this summer, originally planned to retire but has changed plans. He will become head of school at Sage Ridge School, a 15-year-old independent school in Reno, Nev.
Before joining Menlo in 1993 he spent nearly 30 years in public education, first as an English teacher in Brookline, Mass., and later as superintendent of schools in Mamaroneck, N.Y., where he dealt with seven separate employee unions.
He said he switched to private education "to get closer to kids."
The teaching profession doesn't have the status that it should, he believes.
"The way I read the news, it's progressively more debased, and I think that's a tragedy.
"Every profession has its marginal employees, but the press and political establishment seems to delight in focusing on (failed teachers) as opposed to the gifted teacher who works so hard day in and day out to raise up the next generation.
"It's really remarkable that the profession doesn't enjoy that status, and I think we will pay a price for that."
Teachers should be viewed as an asset, not as labor, and need certain conditions to thrive: to be respected; to be paid well enough to live in the local economy; to be involved in decision-making; to have a certain degree of job security and professional renewal.
"If you put these ingredients together, you could start to move the needle," he said.
Are you receiving Express, our free daily e-mail edition? See a sample and sign-up for Express.
|
|
| Comments
|
Posted by SmilingParent, a resident of another community, on Feb 19, 2013 at 12:40 pm Wow! I am smiling. As parents, my husband and I tried very hard to do just what Mr. Colb said to do and tried very hard to not do what Mr. Colb said not to do. AND, our three boys turned out just fine! Thank you very much. All three went to the colleges of their "first" choice, did very well at their college (each college choice was different for each boy), graduated and are now moving forward in their chosen career path! I guess we didn't mess up as parents! Smiling....................
|
|
Posted by Dick Gourley, a resident of the Menlo Park: Sharon Heights neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 12:45 pm Excellent article and advice!
|
|
Posted by Jon Castor, a resident of the Woodside: Woodside Heights neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm
Jon Castor is a member (registered user) of Almanac Online Norm has been an outstanding headmaster. His qualities as an educator, leader, and advocate for youth are well reflected in his 'parting thoughts'. Big shoes for the next headmaster to fill!
|
|
Posted by Another smiling parent, a resident of the Menlo Park: other neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 1:08 pm I patiently watched as my child did just fine without a lot of pressure, her experience taught her great study skills, she became a confident, thought-provoking writer with a B average in academically challellenging K-12 private schools. After watching her classmates torture themselves for AP, Honors and top college picks she went on to the school that was the best fit with the program she wanted. Honors came to her in her first semester at college.
Parents, the message Mr. Colb is delivering is an excellent one. Please take it to heart. Raise happy healthy kids - let them grow slowly and let them come into their own at the right time - for them. Congrats to the smiling parent above!
|
|
Posted by SteveC, a resident of the Menlo Park: Downtown neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 3:10 pm
SteveC is a member (registered user) of Almanac Online Not only will it raise a happy health kid(s) let them grow slowly and go where they want to go to school not where the partent(s) think they should go. The advise, I believe, will reduce teen deaths by their own doing.
|
|
Posted by Happy Menlo Parent, a resident of the Woodside: Mountain Home Road neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 3:30 pm Norm is a very wise man and will be missed at Menlo...
|
|
Posted by LocalGal, a resident of the Woodside: Woodside Heights neighborhood, on Feb 19, 2013 at 9:55 pm Wow! Give this man a medal. My son attended a school where there was epidemic cheating and pressure to get to a "top" school. When we saw the constant threat to his integrity, we gave up the private, educational counselor and the expensive travel team--both of which were just in it for the money--and decided to take our chances and get out of the rat race.
I am so glad we realized we're not engineering a product nor are we raising one of the master race. We're loving and enjoying our son much better then ever before,
|
|
Posted by Elizabeth , a resident of another community, on Feb 19, 2013 at 10:31 pm Now if only leaders would ACT on these convictions instead of just proclaiming them as they leave...
|
|
Posted by neighbor, a resident of another community, on Feb 20, 2013 at 9:18 am Kudos to Mr. Colb for his support of a more balanced life for young people during these difficult years -- and thanks to the parents who have written supportive and positive comments on these pages.
Contrast this thread to some of the bickering about this same article found on PaloAltoOnline. The contrast is telling and it provides an insight into some very real "community life" differences between PA and MP.
|
|
Posted by Localmom, a resident of the Portola Valley: Central Portola Valley neighborhood, on Feb 20, 2013 at 11:36 pm When we visited an open house at Menlo with one of our kids, I heard Mr. Kolb say that if kids didn't want to work many hours a night, they shouldn't go to Menlo. We withdrew our child's application after hearing that. Funny that now that he's leaving, he's changing his tune. Maybe he mellowed over the years. I doubt the Menlo parents will change their expectations, however.
|
|
Posted by smilingparent, a resident of another community, on Feb 22, 2013 at 2:38 pm My youngest son did attend Menlo School. He was always, and still is to this day, in charge of and responsible for himself. He never felt overwhelmed at Menlo nor did I observe him doing hours of homework every night. Yes he did have homework. The education he received at Menlo was outstanding. Still as parents, we dealt with issues with him with regard to the "wealth" status of most of the families at Menlo. Not a criticism but certainly not a true reality of the real world either. It was important to us to keep him grounded just as much as it was for his education, which is why we "sacrificed" to put him through Menlo from middle school thru high school. His other brothers attended private schools too, as well as private colleges. Their education was foremost in our minds but also wanted to raise children who understood the true meaning of friendship, laughter and play. All three boys participated in sports as well. The all had a balanced life. Most of all they were who each one was - their personalities were allowed to shine and their happiness was always apparent on their faces. Smiling........after all these years.
|
|
|
| |
|
Send this story
Print this story
