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You big bully! Tackling the taunts and torments of childhood with empathy

by Andrea Gemmet

Three friends suddenly decide to ostracize the fourth girl in their group, stealing her jacket and stomping on it, to the delight of watching classmates.

A third-grader gets cornered and punched in the stomach by three other boys. A sixth-grader gets shoved into the school swimming pool. A seventh-grader steels himself for another long day of hearing shouts of "retard!" and "you're gay!" in the hallways.

"In middle school, kids so want to belong and be accepted," says Debbie Devoto, a counselor at Hillview Middle School in Menlo Park. "Their peer groups are the world to them at this age. If somebody is giving them a bad time, it's devastating."

Bullying is a broad topic, ranging from taunts and threats to outright physical violence, from subtle put-downs and social exclusion to cyber-bullying, when harassment goes online.

It may be an age-old problem, but it's not being tolerated anymore. Instead of telling kids to ignore it or to fight back against their tormentors, parents and educators are increasingly vigilant about nipping bullying problems in the bud.

"We've always had issues with this," says Hillview Principal Mike Moore. "We had a bout of bullying — a blip, a surge — in a particular grade level and group of kids, and they didn't seem to be responding to the normal efforts."

So Hillview officials, on a recommendation from neighboring La Entrada School, brought in the Kindness Campaign, a program offered by nonprofit International Training Associates that aims to help schools root out mean behavior and create a respectful environment.

Other local schools' anti-bullying strategies range from "Challenge Day" at Menlo-Atherton High School to Woodside Elementary School's upcoming "Power of One" assembly.

By most accounts, the Kindness Campaign assemblies held in October had an electrifying effect on Hillview's worrisome class of 2010.

"It was culture-changing," said Ms. Devoto. "Kids were talking about their personal experiences of being teased, tears were being shed. Kids who were doing the teasing got up and apologized. It was like one of those interventions."

For the victims of bullying, it offered a chance to express their hurt and realize that they weren't alone, said the mother of a student. It also offered some insights into why their classmates were acting out and bullying others, she said.

"I was sick of taking crap from kids," says seventh-grader Andrew Aufdemberge. "(Since) third grade, I've been jumpy, because three kids came up to me and started punching me."

In the aftermath of the Kindness Campaign, Andrew says he's not being taunted anymore.

"I was glad that people could rely on us and tell us what they were going through," says Kelley Eason, also in seventh grade. "They had a lot of courage."

"I was crying during the Kindness Campaign (assembly) and I'm not bullied at all," says Harrison Shane. "I just wanted to help these kids so much."

Now Andrew, Kelley and Harrison are part of a core group of eight students who formed a Kindness Campaign club to keep the momentum going.

Club members are creating a music video promoting the Kindness Campaign, and plan to have faculty and staff distribute kindness cards when they observe students going out of their way to do something nice for each other. The cards will be redeemable for snacks, tickets to school dances and other prizes.

"It's been more friendly," says Bobby Roth, another club member. "It made us respect people."

"Because we saw how we were hurting them," adds Leo Berez.

At Hillview, the students say, bullying usually is verbal, not physical, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"It made you want to step in and help kids at lot more, because you realized how much this was hurting them," says club member Samantha Henze.

Lifelong repercussions

"We know that children who experience bullying pay a price, a huge price, that often lasts a lifetime," says Gloria Moskowitz-Sweet, a school social worker who leads workshops on bullying prevention for the Bay Area-based Parents Place family resource center.

"Walking into a room and being met with the backs of everyone's head is just as lethal for a girl as being punched in the stomach is for a boy," she says.

Bullying may be pervasive, but it can be prevented, Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet told a group of parents who gathered recently to hear her lecture at Bethany Lutheran Church in Menlo Park.

"In the workplace, we adults have so many ways that we are protected from harassment. You would never expect to be shoved into a wall on your way from your desk to the bathroom," she says.

Children don't have that same luxury, she says. "Why do we expect kids to deal with (bullying) when we adults don't?" she asks.

Conflict between kids is different from bullying, she says. The occasional peer conflicts are inevitable. Bullying, on the other hand, involves the intentional use of power to harm or control someone, and it shouldn't be tolerated, according to Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet.

"We need to call it what it is — it's wrong," she says.

Everyone is affected, she says. Victims, besides being miserable, are so focused on trying to stay safe that they have very little energy left for education.

As for the bullies, studies have shown that they don't do well later in life, and are more likely to have problems with alcoholism, domestic violence and court convictions, she says.

Bystanders are at risk of becoming desensitized to cruelty, and their presence often encourages bullying to continue, she says.

There probably isn't anyone who can't remember an incident of schoolyard bullying, because the sense of shame felt by victims and bystanders runs so deep, Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet says.

The Columbine connection

The Columbine high school shooting in 1999 is a big reason that bullying is being taken so seriously, says Ms. Devoto. The two high school students who killed 12 classmates and one teacher before committing suicide had been victims of bullying. A 2002 report by the U.S. Secret Service found that 75 percent of school shooters were victims of bullying at school, according to Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet.

"I worked in a school that had a severe act of violence, and that kid had been significantly bullied," she says.

And the media, particularly reality television shows, glamorize bullies, she says. You don't need to go any farther than one of America's most popular shows, American Idol.

"Simon Cowell has made millions (of dollars) belittling others, even people who clearly have developmental disabilities or other issues," Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet says.

"I really believe we are making strides, but at the same time we're still worshiping bullies on TV and in the media," she says. "There's no question that that's a big part of what we're seeing, particularly on reality TV."

The solution isn't to ban children from watching reality TV shows like American Idol or The Apprentice, but for parents to watch television with their kids and talk about what's going on, she says.

Making a bully

Kids who are bullies may have aggressive personalities, or they may be trying to be popular, says Ms. Moskowitz-Sweet. Some of them are victims of bullying themselves, looking to feel powerful by dominating children they perceive as being weaker.

One Hillview student said the Kindness Campaign helped him empathize with some of the school's bullies.

"I've heard some pretty scary things. Their lives aren't very good," says the seventh-grader, who didn't want his name used. "Some of the kids who are bullies are from East Palo Alto, and there's all that gang stuff. You can't really fix that."

However, he said he didn't think that Hillview had that much of a bullying problem compared with other schools.

"The thing I found strange about the Kindness Campaign is that the people who are already good are the ones who are going to listen, but the ones who misbehave are not going to do anything," he said. "Maybe it would be more effective if they isolated the bullies and talked to them one on one."

For his brother, who also goes to Hillview, it's a different story. He got a lot of attention after he spoke up about being bullied at the Kindness Campaign assembly, but that's tapered off dramatically, he says.

"I wanted to tell everyone that it can make you feel really bad and I know what it's like," he says. "I've been struggling not to be considered weird."

Thanks to the Kindness Campaign, he lost his old bully, but since then, he's gained a new one.

"I wish what happened after the Kindness Campaign never wore off for me," he says. "For those few days and weeks, school was so much easier because no one was putting me down."

Principal Moore acknowledges that it's going to take effort to maintain the benefits of the Kindness Campaign. School officials hope to incorporate Kindness Campaign training into Camp Hillview, the annual summer orientation for incoming sixth-graders.

"It's an approach that takes things very seriously and lets kids speak their minds. We found it to be very powerful," Mr. Moore says. "We are trying to keep it up, but whether it's going to last forever, I don't know. I hope it's not like one of my diets."

Although the initial momentum may have faded, Ms. Devoto says that the number of bullying reports she's been monitoring has gone down by about half since October.

"Every time somebody says, 'Someone is bothering me,' we're going to check into it," she says.