Marriage Underachievers | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Almanac Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Marriage Underachievers

Uploaded: Oct 20, 2014
I know no one wants to be a marriage underachiever. Would we have low standards for ourselves about our marriage? Whose standards are we using? Have we discussed what we want, what we need, as a couple? What our roles will be as husband and wife (and our view of the other as husband or wife)? Or two wives, two husbands?

In the past, marriage was to unite and strengthen lineage for position and gain. It's only in the last 50 or so years that love is the driving factor in marriage.

I decided to look up* the words 'marriage' and 'relationship' and that led me to 'connection' and bond,' and I want to share those definitions with you.

Connection: noun. Something that communicates, relates
- affinity
- application
- association
- bearing
- bond
- commerce
- communication
- correlation
- correspondence
- intercourse
- interrelation
- kinship
- link
- marriage
- nexus
- partnership
- reciprocity
- relation
- relationship
- relevance
- tie-in
- togetherness

Bond: noun. association, relation
- affiliation
- affinity
- attachment
- connection
- connective
- friendship
- hookup
- interrelationship
- liaison
- link
- marriage
- network
- obligation
- relationship
- restraint
- tie
- tie-in
- union

As you consider these definitions, how do you think you are doing? How does your mate think she is doing? (Did you notice I am not asking how you think your mate is doing?)

Consider what you need to experiment with or change to be marriage achievers (which is not being perfect, by the way), and practice those things.

Remember that Dr. John Gottman's research shows that as long as we have five positive interactions for every one poor interaction, we have what it takes to have a happy and healthy marriage.

It seems a lot of marriage underachieving is a result of not being explicit about hopes and dreams, expectations and needs, and of not putting in the time, effort, and work that relationships take.

For a list of topics to discuss with your beloved, see my earlier blog.








*Dictionary.com
What is community worth to you?
Support local journalism.

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed

Get daily headlines sent straight to your inbox.

Legends Pizza Co. replaces Palo Alto Pizza Co.
By Elena Kadvany | 10 comments | 2,647 views

What is a "ton" of carbon dioxide anyway?
By Sherry Listgarten | 14 comments | 2,265 views

HIIT
By Cheryl Bac | 0 comments | 986 views

Living as Roommates? Not Having Much Sex?
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 618 views

 

Support local families in need

Your contribution to the Holiday Fund will go directly to nonprofits supporting local families and children in need. Last year, Almanac readers and foundations contributed over $150,000.

DONATE