By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Dr. John Gottman is best known for the extensive couples research he's conducted over many years at his institute in Seattle -- fondly known as the "Love Lab." Dr. Gottman's research reveals that contentment in a marriage is based on a solid friendship. Although Gottman doesn't use the same terminology, his work supports the overall theme of secure attachment that I often write about in my Couple's Blog.
In his book, and the DVD of a couple's workshop, Gottman clearly spells out the seven principles, provides exercises, check lists, and so on. He dispels myths, and in a very accessible way, spells out a path to a loving and passionate relationship. His research shows that as long as couples have five positive/productive interactions to counteract one poor interaction, the relationship will last.
1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration
3. Turn toward each other instead of away
4. Let your partner influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome gridlock
7. Create shared meaning
The book is available everywhere; the DVD workshop, The Art and Science of Love, is only available at his website: www.gottmaninstitute.org The series is 5 DVDs and a workbook. There are lecture portions for you to watch, and then do the corresponding exercises.
Gottman's work is especially good for couples that fight a lot. For couples that don't fight much, you might feel that you can't relate to the problem-solving principles. However, the first four principles provide a great foundation for your couple, and the last principle focuses on creating shared meaning.
This is definitely worth your reading/watching/working time.