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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Couples: "101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married"

Uploaded: Nov 30, 2018
"101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married" by Charlie and Linda Bloom is a great book for couples. Each of the 101 things is about two pages long. My recommendation is to take this book with you on your weekly date (you are going on these, right?) and flip the book open to any section and read it together. Use it as a beginning of a conversation: What do you each think of the passage? How do you each feel about it? Is there a grain of truth in it for you? What opportunity is there for each of you to experiment with different behavior in relation to the topic?

I've noticed that over time couples get into patterns of what they talk about (work, kids, money, vacation, practical matters, etc.). When you were first dating and so curious to know everything about each other, your range of topics may have been broader, and I invite you to get to know each other again.

On your weekly dates, leave the daily topics behind. While it may be a struggle at first to talk about more intimate topics (yes, this may include sex, yet intimate means more than sex), it's worth it. We do have to work on our relationships. While fairy tales say, "and they lived happily ever after," I haven't yet met a couple that is living happily without talking and creating intimate connection.

"101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married" covers the range of topics that can lead to happily ever after.

Comments

 +   17 people like this
Posted by MarkD, a resident of Barron Park,
on Dec 1, 2018 at 7:38 am

MarkD is a registered user.

Without giving a couple examples of the "101 Things I wish I knew when I got married" given in the book, this blog is pretty useless.


 +   9 people like this
Posted by DKHSK, a resident of Bridle Creek,
on Dec 2, 2018 at 8:34 am

DKHSK is a registered user.

I agree with the comments above. You should have given a few examples to entice someone to buy the book or at least generate a discussion.

Instead, it seems like a sales pitch.


 +   6 people like this
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Almanac Online blogger,
on Dec 2, 2018 at 9:26 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Hi Mark and DKHSK, thanks for posting your comments. I've noticed that people tend to have the same behavior in most parts of their lives. You have to decide if it works for you, especially in your primary relationship. Do you talk to your partner like this when s/he does/says/doesn't do something the way you'd like it? How does that go over? Are you and your partner close, connected, intimate emotionally? Harsh talk doesn't go over well. A kinder response could have been, "Hey Chandrama, can you add some examples, I'm curious." I thought you might look on Amazon where you can see the topics, but here are a few: "There's a difference between judging and being judgemental." "It's possible to hate and love someone at the same time." "The only rules in a marriage are those to which you both agree." Warmly, Chandrama


 +   3 people like this
Posted by rick, a resident of Midtown,
on Dec 2, 2018 at 10:36 pm

rick is a registered user.

Touché


 +   10 people like this
Posted by DKHSK, a resident of Bridle Creek,
on Dec 3, 2018 at 12:08 pm

DKHSK is a registered user.

Chandrama,

"Do you talk to your partner like this when s/he does/says/doesn't do something the way you'd like it?"

My answer: Yes, my friends and family (especially my wife) love me just the way I am. I do speak very plainly and bluntly, but with honesty and integrity. I am unbounded by what you or anybody thinks about me, especially regarding how I address a topic or how I act. I just don't care, I'm FREE.

"How does that go over?"

Most times good, sometimes not so good. That is LIFE. I accept it.

"Are you and your partner close, connected, intimate emotionally?"

Yes and yes. Very much so.

"Harsh talk doesn't go over well."

"Harsh" is a very subjective term don't you think?

Go back and read your post again. In fact, just look at the title. I saw the title first and decided, as do most, to read "101 things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married". I was genuinely interested in knowing YOUR TAKE on the subject.

Instead, I didn't get "101 things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married" from YOU. I got an advertisement for a book by someone else I have no desire to read.

If telling you this is "harsh" then so be it. It just so happens to be true...in my opinion.

Dan



















 +   1 person likes this
Posted by rick, a resident of Midtown,
on Dec 3, 2018 at 3:40 pm

rick is a registered user.

I think it was junior high school when I learned not to get drawn in to arguments.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by finejoeyoung, a resident of Old Mountain View,
on Dec 4, 2018 at 7:56 am

finejoeyoung is a registered user.

The only thing I know was that getting enough Money was important.


 +   2 people like this
Posted by III, a resident of Midtown,
on Dec 6, 2018 at 7:44 am

III is a registered user.

When Arguing NEVER HIT BELOW THE BELT....
(saved me, now 28yrs later. Catholic pre marriage meetings)

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not change..... (TV comedy show)

Know when that woman cycle days are. MUST KNOW as a spouse!.... (My best man at my wedding. Saved me, and I passed on to 100s since!)...

Only one of you can be crazy at a time.... (TV comedy show)...


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Almanac Online blogger,
on Dec 7, 2018 at 2:53 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Dan, I'm glad things are working out for you. I'm glad to know you wanted to hear my tips regarding marriage. I do review books here periodically but have no financial stake in them (unless it's one of the books I've written).


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