By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
View all posts from Chandrama Anderson
I read an article by Rachel Zucker on the NY Times website: "Honey, Let's Get a Little Divorced." One thing that caught my attention was Rachel's wondering why she hears of post-divorce Dads becoming better Dads, and post-divorce Moms returning to set-aside dreams and "finding themselves." Dad takes charge of parenting more (without Mom's interventions or criticisms), and Mom becomes more independent, without the Mom-guilt.
Take a few minutes to read her article, and as you do, think about your own relationship, and without judgment, notice where you fall on the spectrum of the mom/dad dynamic and husband/wife interactions, and the idea of egalitarianism in your relationship. Just notice.
Of course there are many dynamics to observe in your marriage, especially when you've been together for a while, but these two are often intertwined in a way that lead to decreased personal and marital happiness. I have seen and continue to see couples struggling with this. It builds resentment, and alters our "rose colored glasses" to a dirty brown color; and that is no way to see or be seen by our partner.
You get into a story about each other that keeps you from being connected. Think of holding two magnets in the wrong direction: that push apart that you viscerally know. It happens in your primary relationship, too. And that is one lonely place to be.
The next time you think, or are about to say something, or judge your partner about how he or she does something, PAUSE, and think about what will be magnets pushing away, or magnets pulling toward connection. Experiment with words, thoughts, and feelings that bring you together. Notice how you feel. Just notice, without judgment.