Premarital and Couples: Tips for Hearing (Listening) and Being Known | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Almanac Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: Tips for Hearing (Listening) and Being Known

Uploaded: Jul 18, 2019
You just want to be heard and understood deeply. Showing interest in your partner and his or her life leads to a great many wonderful things in a relationship. Below is a list of open-ended phrases for you to experiment with as you talk and listen to your partner (remember listening is not waiting for your turn to talk, make a point, be right, or fix it).

Keep in mind the washer tool: imagine there is a string attached to each of your mouths with a metal washer on it. As you talk, it pushes the washer toward the other's mouth. The goal is to generally have the washer in the middle. So check in and ask your partner questions as you're talking.

Here's the list:

Tell me more . . .
Say more about that . . .
What does that mean to you?
How are you feeling?
What are you feeling in your body?
I’m curious about . . .
What is most important in what you’re telling me?
What do you know in yourself about that?
[Repeat back a word or two You’re feeling (sad, anxious, confused) . . .  ?
What does your expression/body posture mean [maybe describe what you see?
Can you go deeper with that . . .
How does that play out between us?
How does that show up in our relationship?
That must be [hard, sad, etc. . . .
I’m trying to get a felt-sense of that, can you describe it more . . .

Notice how you each feel as you begin to ask open ended questions. Be patient with yourselves, and keep trying.
Community.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Almanac Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Is renewable diesel the real deal?
By Sherry Listgarten | 5 comments | 5,355 views

Couples and Premarital: Parallel Living: What to Do
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 4,853 views

Food hall forage: What we ate at State Street Market in Los Altos
By The Peninsula Foodist | 1 comment | 4,391 views

Do we really have a housing crisis?
By Diana Diamond | 2 comments | 1,152 views