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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Sex Talk is Always Part of Couples Counseling . . .

Uploaded: May 15, 2020
. . . at some point. I find that couples either come to counseling because of sex concerns -- or don't bring up sex at all. If you don't bring it up, I will, in as safe a way as possible.

I know it's a tender topic, and like everything else in a relationship, sex needs to have space to breathe. I will help you have conversations about sex.

Sex doesn't exist in a vacuum; it is a facet of your realtionship, both affecting and being affected by everything else. Perhaps you talked about sex early in your relationship, perhaps not. Have you changed? Have your thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires, and/or life circumstances changed in any way?

Here are questions to consider:

What do each of you consider to be sex?
Does sex always include orgasm?
Does sex always include intercourse?
How do you feel about being the giver at times?
How do you feel about being the receiver at times?
Do you talk during sex?
Do you laugh during sex?
What's off limits? How come?
What do you like about your current sex life?
What don't you like about your current sex life?
Do you have small children? Are you in menopause or another big life transition?
Is your libido different now? To what do you attribute that?
What do you wish for?
Are men and women really different when it comes to sex? How are each of you different?
Do you need to feel emotionally connected to have sex?
Does having sex help you feel emotionally connected?
Since you don't think about sex the same all the time, what is the range of your thoughts, feelings, concerns and ideas about it?
Do you think you don't have time for sex? What do you have time for?
Do you only have sex when you're away from home together?
Do you share a bed?
Are kids in your bed, too? If so, when and how do you have sex?
What are your views about masturbation? Alone? With one another?
What is your sense about oral sex?
How do you seduce? How are you seduced?
What is foreplay? Who does foreplay?
What is your favorite time and place for sex?
Is porn part of your life? If so, openly or hidden? If so, what does it mean to you? To your partner?
Do you experiment sexually? From gentle and sensuous, to toys and clothes and fantasies, to eye contact and talk?
What turns you on?
What turns you off?
What questions do you have?

I realize that talking and being explicit about sex can be embarrassing. Many couples are not explicit about a lot of topics in their relationship. Usually, being explicit (rather than vague or assuming the other MUST know what you think) leads to intimacy -- even when you don't agree.

I'm a fan of curiousity and talking about difficult topics. How might your life be different if you were, too?
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Posted by, a resident of Los Cerros Middle School,
on May 16, 2020 at 12:35 am is a registered user.

I understand that talking and being express about sex can be humiliating. Numerous couples are not unequivocal about a great deal of themes in their relationship.

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