By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Check out the movie Buck; it's ostensibly about Buck and horses, yet it speaks to the way people handle themselves and one another.
There's a scene in which Buck is teaching a man to hold the rope lead with 20lbs. of pull. First Buck yanks on the rope, and the man tightens his entire body, grasps tightly and braces for what's next. Buck yanks again. Same reaction. Next, Buck gently pulls the rope. The man reacts with the same tension and bracing, even though he did not need to.
When you have been yanked emotionally by your partner -- and possibly growing up, too -- you brace (fight, flight, or freeze). That's the limbic (emotional brain) doing its job of self-protection.
Buck talks about needing a soft touch to tame a horse, and that the horse is an extension of your body -- you move and it moves with you. This is limbic resonance; the healthy dance of life with another.
Just to be clear, being resonant with your partner is not the same as not speaking up or not having a voice, views, or opinions. It's sharing them with a soft touch. You are two people, choosing every day to be inter-dependent.
Another scene is with a horse that is violent; it was oxygen deprived at birth and lacked human contact. It was left to roam for three years before Buck was introduced to the horse. Unfortunately, it was left too long.
Please don't leave each other for too long. Practice a soft touch . . .