Premarital and Couples: "I - You" Statements | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Almanac Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: "I - You" Statements

Uploaded: Feb 12, 2021
"I - You" Statements. No, that's not a typo. I hear these a lot when I encourage partners to use "I statements" or to share how s/he is feeling. Here are examples of what to skip, and what to try:

Skip:                                                                                                                        Try:

I feel YOU are angry at me.                               I feel nervous. What are you feeling?

I feel like this is a . . . (these are thoughts vs. feelings)             I feel misunderstood.

I think YOU aren't listening.                                                                     I feel unheard.

YOU made me feel like I don't matter.                                             I feel unimportant.

What's the difference; why does it matter?

There is nothing to argue with when we use an actual "I statement" because it just is how you feel in that moment. What, are you going to answer, ""No, you don't feel unheard,"? I hope not. In order for there to be a sticking point, there has to be a hook to get caught on (think Velcro). Velcro needs two perfectly matched pieces in order to stick. When you simply state your feeling, you are smooth.

No one wants to be told "You this" or "You that." So your partner is more likely to listen to you.

Of course the impulse to justify is often stronger than the desire to listen. So watch YOURSELF (not your partner) in this regard.

So, use I statements, and then give attunement (which is the only place for YOU statements).

You Hear:                                                                                                       You Say:

I feel nervous. What are you feeling?          Oh, you're nervous. I'm feeling agitated.

I'm feeling agitated.                          Oh, you're agitated. Will you tell me about that?

I feel misunderstood.                              You feel misunderstood. What is important

                                                                   that you want me to understand?

Do you get the idea? It's slow, maybe you even think it's cheesy. However, it works. So experiment for yourself, and talk with your beloved about how it's going.
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Get the most important local news stories sent straight to your inbox daily.

'We believe in empathy and profitability.' This new company wants to redefine delivery for local restaurants
By Elena Kadvany | 2 comments | 4,653 views

Polar vortexes and clean energy in the Upper Midwest
By Sherry Listgarten | 8 comments | 4,501 views

Union demands too many: Open up the schools now!
By Diana Diamond | 23 comments | 3,936 views

Please Keep Your Dog Off of the Merry-go-round
By Cheryl Bac | 2 comments | 1,404 views

Couples and Premarital: How Do You Define Love?
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,034 views

 

Calling all photographers!

Enter your best shots in the Peninsula Photo Contest. Open to anyone who lives, works or attends school within the 650 area code. There are both Adult and Youth divisions and six different categories to submit your digital images. Deadline for entries is March 22.

Contest Details