By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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. . . without accepting it.”
Entertain these thoughts/ideas, let them rumble around inside you for a while. Experiment.
“Don’t believe everything you think,” I tell my clients.
Listening to your partner, saying back what you heard, and offering empathy is not the same as agreeing. It’s letting your partner know you heard him/her, that you care. When the time is right, you share your perspective, and s/he listens, says back what you said, offers empathy. It’s quite simple, and revolutionary.
When you have a disagreement, argue each others’ point of view. See what you learn. Seek and consider previously unthought-of options.
The goal is not to think alike, it’s to think together.
Bring realistic and constructive thoughts and words to any disagreement, especially with yourself.
Be curious, ask questions, seek new thoughts and feelings.
When you’re struggling, reach out for help. When another is struggling, reach out with support. At times it’s best to ask what s/he needs right now (vs. fixing). Other times a kind word, a sincere question, a hand on the shoulder, sitting together in silence or with music, or a walk together is your valuable offering.
As humans, we entertain an uncountable number of thoughts in a day. Seek ways to entertain positive thoughts, even, or especially, in the midst of trying times. When negative thoughts arrive, witness their presence and watch them float away on a cloud.