Issue date: February 10, 1999
By JANE KNOERLE
You've been planning your wedding for years. It's the day of days when all eyes are on you, the fairy-tale princess in a white gown. Do you really want some rosy-cheeked cherubs to steal the show?
What we are talking about are those junior members of the wedding, the flower girl and ringbearer. While children are adorable in a wedding, remember they are notorious scene-stealers at best or balking, screaming terrors at worst.
As Diane Reed says in her Wonderful Wedding Book, "A flower girl and ring bearer are always fun and add a note of intrigue to the ceremony by keeping guests guessing just what they might do."
What they might do is throw a temper tantrum in the aisle, freeze and refuse to move, take their tight new shoes off at the altar, or scratch in embarrassing places during the ceremony. Are you ready for that?
The custom of having young children in the wedding is centuries-old. British royalty traditionally has only young children as wedding attendants. Remember Diana's wedding to Prince Charles? More recently, Barbra Steisand, Hollywood's version of royalty, had only young girls as attendants in her wedding to James Brolin. Makes sense since Babs is past 50 and the thought of over-50 bridesmaids dressed in pink tulle is a little frightening.
Youngsters asked to perform as flower girls and ring bearers should not be less than 4 years old if you want whimsy, not chaos at the ceremony, according to Mrs. Reed.
Becky Preimesberger agrees. As senior wedding hostess at Valley Presbyterian Church in Portola Valley, in the past 15 years she's seen it all. She recalls: "The youngest ring bearer we ever had was barely walking. A sort of walker was disguised with layers of lace to help him make it down the aisle. About two pews down he froze." The bridegroom saved the day by bending down and jingling his keys at the baby who happily toddled down the aisle to fetch them.
"Ideally I wouldn't have anyone under 5," says Mrs. Preimesberger. She recalls a 3-year-old flower girl, who was so enchanted with her new Mary Janes that she started tap dancing from the altar over to the choir stalls, all of which was recorded on videotape.
The under-5 set may have trouble understanding the rituals. Take the little girl who, told to scatter rose petals, dumped the whole basket on the white runner before starting down the aisle.
Another word of advice: Don't put the real wedding rings on the ring bearer's pillow. Use fake ones that usually come with it. At one Valley Presbyterian Church wedding, the ring bearer dropped the rings, which rolled under the bride's gown. It was left to the maid of honor to gracefully retrieve them.
One ring bearer was lured to the altar by having the rings mounted on a toy truck. When he delivered the rings safely, he got to keep the truck.
Mrs. Preimesberger suggests that little attendants sit with their parents in a front pew instead of standing at the altar. "It's too much to expect them to stand at attention for 20 or 30 minutes," she says.
When my daughter, Diane Knoerle was married to Greg Brown, her flower girl, Nicola White, was not yet 3. She walked down the aisle holding the hand of her mother, Cindie White, who was a bridesmaid. Her grandmother, Linda Lozano, was waiting to scoop her up into a front pew, where she sat quietly through the ceremony.
As a wedding hostess, Mrs. Preimesberger recalls having as many as seven or eight children in a wedding. "That happens sometimes when the bride is a teacher and wants some of her pupils to take part in the ceremony."
When Katie Black and Steve Nagy were married at the Menlo Circus Club in 1993, there were 12 children in the wedding party. The bridegroom's nieces and nephews preceded the wedding party, with the girls dressed in matching Laura Ashley black and white dresses. The boys wore blue blazers and carried American flags.
The bride's five little English cousins were also in the party, with the boys carrying British flags and wearing navy blazers and straw boaters. The English flower girl wore white organza and lace.
When Karen Groscup and Kevin Murphy were planning their January 1998 wedding, it was a given that her nieces, Brittany Lincoln and Amanda Groscup, and nephews, Cameron Lincoln and Stuart Groscup, would be in the wedding. All the children were at a good age, between 5 and 8, and were well behaved.
Amanda carried a basket that had belonged to her great-grandmother; Brittany carried a basket carried by her mother, Susan Groscup Lincoln, when she) was a flower girl more than 30 years ago. The baskets, trimmed with tulle, strings of pearls, ribbons and silk flowers, were made by a friend of Susan Lincoln, who hand carried them on the plane from Phoenix. The boys wore tuxedos, which seems to be the uniform of the day for ring bearers. "Sometimes the boys wear black tennis shoes because the rented shoes are so uncomfortable," says Mrs. Preimesberger, who notes that one of the biggest complaints she hears from members of the bridal party is that their feet hurt.
The bride's niece and nephew, Marie and Alexander von Hafften of Anchorage, Alaska, ages 7 and 5, loved being in the wedding of Trynne Miller and David Prince on July 4, 1998, at Stanford Memorial Church. However, Alexander, after donning his tuxedo, decided he would rather sit with his mother and dad, Kitty and Lex von Hafften, than proceed down the aisle. That was fine with the bride who decided ahead of time, not to put any pressure on the children. Both Marie and Alexander had fun at the reception at Fogarty Winery and were very impressed with the wedding cake. Alexander was so taken with his tuxedo that he wore it the day after the wedding.
Planning ahead can make the children's role in the wedding easier. Emma Smith, age 5, and Brody Wren, 3, were flower girl and ring bearer in the wedding of Rebecca Kaspari and Aaron Cordero. The bride's mother, Diane Kaspari, made it a point to pay a lot of attention to the children, who had never met before the rehearsal dinner. "I had bags of favors for them, with games, little toys, crayons and coloring books to keep them busy." The kids behaved beautifully at the wedding and both said they wanted to do it again, says Mrs. Kaspari.
When children are a little older, they not only behave better, but enjoy the wedding and reception as well. When Lauren Real and her cousin, Kathleen Stahler, both 7, were flower girls last October at their cousin's wedding, they were old enough not to cling to their parents. "They went off in a limousine with the wedding party, danced until midnight and had a grand time," says Lauren's mother, Tina Real.
Age 10 is usually the cut-off age for flower girls and ring bearers. After that they become junior bridesmaids or junior ushers, says Mrs. Preimesberger, who also has a word of advice about children attending the wedding. "I urge brides to hire a baby sitter for the church ceremony. We have a nice nursery here at the church and a list of approved sitters. Children don't like to sit in a church and be quiet."
Hiring a sitter gives the parents a chance to enjoy the ceremony and reception without trying to control young children. Be sure to enclose a formal card with your invitation saying children will be cared for away from their parents. That will help them decide whether to bring the children to the wedding or to leave them at their grandparents'.
If you do allow older children (5-12 years) at the reception, try to find little tasks to keep them busy, such as handing out favors, watching the gift table, sitting at the guest book table or passing out programs.
A children's refreshment table, with kid-style snacks and punch, can do wonders to avoid whining and crying until the adults finally get around to sitting down to dinner or cutting the cake. You might also have the caterer provide a special meal for young children.
Children, either in the wedding party or as guests, will add sentiment and joy to the day as long as you plan ahead for them.
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