Looking for love in all the right places Looking for love in all the right places (February 11, 2004)Just in time for Valentine's Day, Menlo author gives tips on the midlife dating game

By Jane Knoerle

Almanac Staff Writer

If Valentine's Day finds you alone in front of the TV with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, you might want check to out "Love at Second Sight: Playing the Midlife Dating Game" (New Horizon Press) by Nancy Collins of Menlo Park and Mason Grigsby of San Francisco.

Another book on dating? "Love at Second Sight" differs in that it's directed at the midlife set. Originally the authors targeted those 50 and over, but their publisher felt the book would be more appealing if the age was lowered to 40.

Using more than 400 surveys and personal interviews, the authors offer tips on: dating services and personal ads, the first encounter, dating do's and don'ts, Internet dating, communication, even "Recognizing Your Soulmate."

The 400 interviews revealed that having a great relationship is the No. 1 goal in life for 80 percent of the women, and 87 percent of the men. Sounds kind of scary, but consider this: Ms. Collins says 20 million people are looking for love on the Internet.

In answer to the age-old "What do women want?" Ms. Collins says at 20, a woman is looking for a mate who will be successful and a good father; at 60, she wants romance. "You're never too old for love," she says.

As for men, "At 20 he's seeking someone who is attractive, sexy, probably subservient; at 60, he wants companionship and a similar lifestyle."

What about those old geezers who end up with a woman young enough to be their daughter or granddaughter? Those relationships usually last only a couple of years, says Ms. Collins; most men end up with someone closer to their own age. The exceptions are powerful, famous and/or wealthy men. They can get anyone they want, she says.

According to the book, since there are now more than 42 million singles over the age of 40, there should be plenty of opportunities out there. The authors realize, however, that it's tough to get back in the dating game: "Dating techniques are often rusty, unsuccessful and sometimes even nonexistent."

The book is divided into three segments: the beginning game, a middle game and an end game.

Parts of the "Beginning Game" are rather painful. The advice: get your body in shape, redo your make-up, shop for new clothes, get your teeth whitened, even consider a neck-lift. Words to live by: "Take a chance!" "Get out there!" "Be realistic!" "Don't relive the past!"

Personal histories make the book more readable. All the 400 surveys and interviews were done by Ms. Collins, she says: "I think doing the survey made us credible. I started with singles groups in the Bay Area. People were anxious to share their experiences."

Twice divorced, Nancy Collins is single and belongs to several organizations such as Stanford Singles, 50 Plus, BATS (Bay Area Tennis Association), Who's Who International, and Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, which has several singles groups for different ages. Although single, she says she has "many friends." She is also the mother of three grown sons and grandmother of six, including triplets.

Author of two other books -- "Women Leading: Making Tough Choices on the Fast Track" and "Professional Women and Their Mentors" -- Ms. Collins is finding herself busy promoting her latest. When we talked, her publishers, located in New Jersey, had nine telephone interviews lined up and she and Mr. Grigsby, a former software company president, were heading to Sacramento February 12 for their first television interview.
"Love at Second Sight" ($14.95) is available at Kepler's Books in Menlo Park.

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