Goldilocks ala noir


Menlo Park resident Fran Kearton and Dick Van Dyke collaborated on writing skits for "The Fran and Dick Show," a live daytime variety show on TV in Atlanta during the 1950s.

This entire script is in Ms. Kearton's 1993 book, "Waiting for the Banana Peel." In this excerpt (edited for brevity) of a send-up of the police drama "Dragnet," untimely death comes to Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

The scene: Detective Friday and his partner Thursday learn that Goldilocks was found dead on the street.

Friday: "Yes, she was found wearing a derby and slacks."

Thursday: "At least she died like a man."

Friday: "Here's a hospital report on Father Bear. They performed an autopsy."

Thursday: "What'd he die from?"

Friday: "The autopsy."

(They go to the home of the Three Bears)

Friday: "In here, Thursday, this is where the bears live."

Thursday: "How do you know?"

Friday: "Look what's on the floor: a people-skin rug. And there's Baby Bear. He's been murdered.

Thursday: "The killer must still be here. The body's still warm."

Friday: "It oughtta be. It's on the stove. You'd better examine it for bullets and then check with ballistics."

Thursday: "What's ballistics?"

Friday: "I don't know, but they always say that on 'Dragnet.'"

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